so what exactly is a sacrifice, anyway?

Ever since the accident 9 days ago where Collin and his mom were hit by the car, I've been thinking a lot about what happened and what significance it has. One thing that I want to start right off by saying is that this post is not about me, it's about God. It's going to seem like it's about me at first...but bear with me while I get through all the background info...

After I spent the night at the hospital with Collin that Thursday night, many people have come up to me or emailed me to tell me how awesome that sacrifice was. They tell me many kind things that I won't repeat here, while I just stare at them with the confused, "head-turned-sideways" puppy dog look. I honestly don't know what to say to them. It sure didn't feel like a sacrifice. They tell me how blessed Collin's family was by my generosity and again, I don't know what to say. I've been stuck in this quandary for 8 days now, trying to figure out how to get the focus off me and on God and why my reaction is one of such confusion. This weekend, a revelation hit me.

I think God let me in on a huge misconception in my previous thinking. Here was my confusion: SPENDING THE NIGHT IN THE HOSPITAL WITH THIS LITTLE BOY WAS NOT A SACRIFICE. The definition of sacrifice is: "to surrender or give up for the sake of something else". In order for this action to be a sacrifice, it implies that there is something else that I would rather have been doing and that I gave up such a thing to be at the hospital. But that's just not true. That night, at that moment, with that child, there is no where on Earth I would rather have been. If I had been home, I would not have been sleeping. I would have been laying in bed, wide awake, wishing I was at the hospital. See, there was nothing I gave up to be there. Staying with him all night was the only option available. It's an act of love, not sacrifice.

I think in America today, many of us have a twisted idea of sacrifice. We think of a sacrifice as "giving up chocolate for a week around Easter time" as if God really cares whether or not you eat chocolate. We think sacrifice is the hard work we put in to love, help, rescue, save, or just be there for others. But what I've been realizing is that THAT's not a sacrifice at all. That's saying, "look, God, look everybody, just look at what I gave up to help this person. look at my sacrifice!" That in turn leads to the most telling signs of the state of our hearts: "So now, God, I want this and this ... and don't forget about that sacrifice I made ..."

So then I started looking again at what happened that night at the hospital. There was no hard work. It wasn't work at all. I wasn't tired. I wasn't frustrated. I wasn't asking God to look at what I was doing for this child. Those thoughts never even crossed my mind. Instead the only thing I saw, thought, and felt was "love". Period. Nothing else. No effort, no work, no frustration. Just love.

That's when the biggest revelation of all hit me. Jesus. Maybe I've had it all wrong. We cry out to him in praise and to honor his sacrifice on the cross. But in the final moments of his life on Earth, did he feel like he was giving up something? I wonder if he felt like he was making a sacrifice when he paid for the sins of millions with his own life. Or did he feel like there was nothing else he'd rather do more for the people he so desperately loved. Maybe all this talk about his beautiful sacrifice is leaving him with the same confused puppy dog look that I know all too well. Like, sacrifice? What sacrifice? To think that he felt towards me the way I felt towards Collin and his family leaves me with my head spinning. To think that he's saying in all of this, "This was no sacrifice. There is nothing I would rather have done than to do this for you, two thousand years before you were born, because you're that important to me and I love you that much."

Even though I keep hearing that I blessed Collin's family, really I was the one who was blessed. I was the one who got to see a much clearer picture of Jesus's love that leaves me wondering how I can ever question his worth and love again.

Thank you, Jesus...not for your sacrifice, but for your love.