The Greatest Grandma Ever

Here she is.  The Greatest Grandma Ever.  She was the perfect kid grandma because she was a kindergarten teacher and elementary school principal.  She helped start the Headstart program in Baltimore.  She understood kids and her house was always filled with toys, books, games, puzzles, everything a kid could possibly want.  
She taught us how to make orange juice freshly squeezed from the orange tree in the backyard.
Her favorite animal was a giraffe.  She said she liked them because they were so tall and she was so short.  
She and Grandpa loved Disney World.  They loved all the parks, actually - Sea World, Cypress Gardens, Universal...  but nothing beat Disney World.  They had season passes to Disney for over 20 years.  They were fascinated by the magic and wonder that Walt Disney had created.  
Grandma always used to take us to the craft store to buy little things to make - wooden shapes to paint, stained "glass" designs to hang in the window, little boxes to decorate with flowers, bears, anything we could imagine.  She would play school with us and be the teacher.  She took us to the bookstore - the only free-standing Walden Books I've ever seen - and would buy us any books we wanted.
She loved her flowers.  She spent so many hours in her gardens, planting, trimming, weeding, caring for her beautiful flowers.  
She appreciated every story I wrote when I was a kid and kept them all in a file.  She used to tell me how proud she was of me for my grades at school and for what I was doing in my life.  The last time she talked to me 5 days ago she told me that she was so proud of me.
She played the piano and the violin and played in the orchestra until the last month of her life.  Her orchestra's last concert was dedicated to her since she couldn't be there to perform.
She believed in Jesus and two days ago she spent the whole day praising God and thanking Him for giving her my grandpa as a husband.  My grandpa said she also cried out to God that day saying, "Please bless Beth and Kathryn."  She always told us how much she loved us.  She never ended a conversation without saying "I love you, Beth."  
She made the world's best cookies, especially the peanut butter ones with the hershey kisses in the middle.  She always made us applesauce cake too and jello with fruit in it.  There was never a shortage of whipped cream in the refrigerator and she had a special ice cream that she called "ice milk" that we found out later was just normal ice cream...but somehow it tasted better than normal ice cream.  

She never stopped learning.  She took swimming lessons, computer lessons, typing lessons.  She went back to school to get her college degree.  She knew how to find any book in the library and one of her favorite expressions was "Anything you want to know, you can find in a book."  She knew the names, histories, uses, and side effects of every medication ever created.  

She always set the table for breakfast the night before so that in the morning you'd just wake up and everything would be ready.  She always let us eat cookies for breakfast.  

And no matter what, she always had time and energy for everyone.  Everyone loved her.  All you had to do was meet her and you knew she was different...special...one of those people that you just had to know.  Even the pest control guy called and said how much he cared about her and how he would do anything for my grandpa in this hard time.  EVERYONE LOVED HER.  

No matter how many times you tell someone that you love them, it never seems like enough.  How can you possibly take one person who was so much more than just one person and show them how much they mean to you by simply saying "I love you, Grandma"?  

And now sitting in the living room, all I see is my grandma everywhere, in all of her stuffed teddy bears, decorations, pictures, furniture.  I keep hearing her voice calling out to me, asking if I want more applesauce cake, asking me to come look at a picture she just found, wanting to show me her new crossword puzzle book.  I keep expecting her to come out of the bedroom any minute, come walking through the door.  And then I wonder, how can she really be gone?  

I was never, from the time I was just 6 years old, capable of leaving my grandparents' house without crying.  I always wrote them a letter before my parents called me to get in the car to leave.  I would hide the note somewhere like under their pillow or in the microwave.  Then I would walk to the car, tears streaming down my face, even knowing that I would see them again in a few months.  Even this past year when I visited them 3 times, I couldn't leave without crying.  And now.  Now the tears are just so different.  

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with all the pain and love that it's in my heart that has nowhere to go.  It's not even in my heart.  It can't be contained in such a small place.  My grandma is in everything that I am.  Oh God.  I love you so much Grandma.  How is it that I will never see you again?  My Grandma...